Photo by KELVIN MA/staff

Carmin Wharton self-published her memoir "Lessons Learned While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces," which chronicles her relationships while searching for love.

By JOSE PATINO GIRONA, The Tampa Tribune

Published: August 11, 2007

WEST TAMPA - Spend a few minutes talking with Carmin Wharton and it feels as if she is channeling Gloria Gaynor, famous for the 1970s song 'I Will Survive.'

Wharton, 49, exudes the song's confidence and determination despite struggles with unfit relationships, three divorces and date rape.

Instead of turning her misfortune into despair, Wharton has written and self-published a book, 'Lessons Learned While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces.'

The personal account of some of her relationships is intended to give readers insight and understanding into their own connections.

'Each relationship, no matter how bizarre or how painful, will leave you with a gift,' Wharton said.

The book idea blossomed when Wharton worked as a program coordinator for Florida A&M University from 2001 to 2004. Her job was to find qualified students at Hillsborough Community College and help guide them into the university's pharmacy program.

In her career and other settings, Wharton said people would share details of their lives and she began to recognize patterns in relationship stories.

People seek relationships because it gives them strength, she said.

'We all want to be loved,' Wharton said. 'We all want to be appreciated and needed.'

People suffer through bad relationships because they don't want to be alone. They worry they will never find another mate and fret about what others might think about their unsuccessful relationship, Wharton said.

She said people need to know they aren't alone in their struggles to find a mate. They also need to know that for a relationship to work they must first learn to love themselves, she said.

'You need to love and accept who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly,' Wharton said. 'Until a person learns to love themselves it is hard to attract the person you are seeking.'

In her book, Wharton attributes marrying her first husband and accepting his verbal abuse to low self-esteem and lack of maturity. She said she learned that if a relationship has a bad start it isn't likely to improve.

Her second marriage taught her to take into account the person's previous relationships and their family history. In the third marriage, she learned not to settle for less.

Wharton said it's pointless to expect to change someone because they usually don't. She has reservations about online dating, warning that a person may lie.

She believes men and women are more similar than most people think, and she encourages interracial and cross-cultural relationships.

'We are all alike and seeking the same thing,' Wharton said.

Friends said Wharton is a good listener who is sincere and cares for others. She also has the experience and hasn't given up on life, even though her relationships haven't had a happy ending.

'She has compassion oozing out of her,' said friend Jim Zebrowki of West Palm Beach. 'When you speak to Carmin, you know where she is coming from. She does a great job translating to the realness of it. She's just not a gossiper.'

Wharton, who was born and raised in West Tampa, isn't a psychologist or trained professional. Her book is based solely on her experiences.

Wharton has a bachelor's degree in sociology from the University of South Florida and a master's degree in education from Nova Southeastern University. She has a daughter, 26, and a son, 24.

She considers her mother, Minnie Wharton, 85, of West Tampa, an inspiration. Minnie Wharton graduated with a master's degree in education from New York University and retired in 1987 as a Hillsborough County elementary school principal.

Wharton, who isn't in a relationship, said she remains open to the possibility of marriage.

'I'm not seeking,' Wharton said. 'I believe the right man will find me.'

WHARTON'S TIPS

Five things to remember about relationships:

1. If it hurts, it isn't love.

2. You cannot change another person.

3. Abuse always escalates.

4. You can recover from a broken heart.

5. You can love again.

Three things you must do to move forward:

1. Forgive yourself and others for creating relationship drama.

2. Decide you deserve the best.

3. Become the person you desire in a mate.

Reporter Jose Patino Girona can be reached at (813) 835-2110 or jpatino@tampatrib.com.

 

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